Spontaneous Combustion
by McGee42
Summary: Uncle Emmett tells us the ballad of Edward and Bella, a story of great sadness and woe. A ridiculous o/s for  Ms Lulu's birfday.


AN: A million billion thanks to Project Team Beta, nowforruin, and Love of Escapism for helping me carry out this super-secret spy mission. Extra special snuggles to Love of Escapism for being my sounding board and pre-reading this nonsense.

Lulu M, my heart, my love, my darling, happiest of happy birthdays! I wish I could stalk you and send you cookies but you get this silliness instead. I tried to make it as close to 10K as I could manage, dearie; but it fell a bit short. It's also my very first lemon and it's all for you, bb. XOXO.

There is no way in hell SMeyer would go for this shit. I stole her characters though, but it was only out of love. That'll stand up in court, right?

Warning: Serious ridiculousness and naughtiness ahead.

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xoxoxoxoxox

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Hey kidlets, gather 'round. Your Uncle Emmett's gonna tell you a story of great sadness and woe. It's about my brother Edward and his lady-love, a Miss Bella Swan. The two of them were like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet. May the two of 'em rest in peace.

Poor Eddie. Poor Bella. It's tragic, really, breaks my heart. You listen good, all right? Don't do what they did. If you feel 'the need', you act on it, okay? And you can tell your parents I said so. They'll thank me, really.

So, my brother was like me, a 'vegetarian', and being the romantic fool he was, he fell for this human girl, Bella- hard. She was perfect for him; quiet, beautiful, and virginal. Which was surprising frankly, because she had this great… well, you know. She could have had any guy she wanted, but she only had eyes for Edward, Lord knows why.

My boy Ed-ster was one hundred and seven years-old, and pure as the driven snow. And it wasn't like he was a Quasimodo or anything either. He was a good looking kid. He said he was 'saving himself' for marriage or whatever. Shocking as that is, I can't imagine ever going that long without getting a little…

*A-hem*

Oh, excuse me, I didn't see you there Rosie. I know but… The kids need to know these things. But, baby… Damn. I swear that woman just needs to raise one of her perfect eyebrows and I'll obey. I'm like a well-trained pet sometimes. But it's totally worth it. Sometimes I call her my little rabbit and then she gets out her Rabbit and we can go for hours…

Err, never mind. You'll understand when you're older.

Sorry, about that. As I was saying, Eddie was real old and strung pretty tight. Tight like Bella's… Um, it was hard, all right? I mean difficult. Yes, it must have been _very difficult_ for him.

The two of them were dating! Like teenagers. Well, I guess Bella was one still, but that ship sailed for Eddie-boy a long time ago. He liked to pretend. He was a strange one; I hear going that long without any, uh, release can do that to a guy. I wouldn't know though.

He took her to prom and everything, just like a proper high school boyfriend would. He didn't get any of that traditional post-prom nookie, either, which is really the whole point of that fiasco, ain't it? I'm certain she would have put out too. No one's been able to resist a Cullen in a tux, as of yet. We're pretty hot, if I do say so myself.

They spent the whole summer together after that. I mean sure, he'd pretend to go home when she went to bed, but we all knew that he was sneaking up to her room after Charlie tucked in for the night. All that 'quality' time together and nothing, not even a little tongue. I know; he told me so.

That guy took so many cold showers those last few months that if he were human, he would have given himself hypothermia. You'd think he was a monk or something. Maybe he should've been. It would have saved everyone a lot of heartache in the end. Well, ç'est la vie or some shit.

Eddie would ask me to go with him to Bella's some nights. It was usually when he was a little too, uh, thirsty, if you know what I mean. I tried to stay far away enough to give them their privacy, but that's a hard proposition when you've got super-sonic hearing. So, not gonna lie, I heard some stuff.

That poor girl. Bella tried so hard, and nothing, nada, zilch. He wouldn't even give her a little grope. She cajoled, she pled, she begged him. But the E-man wasn't having any of that. He told her they needed to wait. Bro was a tough nut to bust, um, crack. She talked dirty to him, stroked in all the right places; she even did a little strip tease once.

Hell, I was about ready to give it to her at that point; I felt so bad for her. Girl was desperate. But I knew Rose would kill me, so I just tried to think about baseball instead. Whoever said that worked was a liar, by the way. I ended up having to go behind a tree a few times and, well… I'm gonna to stop right there. Rosie just raised her eyebrow at me.

During the day, Bella was all sweetness and light, but at night, whoa, she really let her hair down. She would have been a tiger in the sack, given the chance. A guy can tell these things. She even got me all riled up, and I'd been getting it regular for decades. Let's just say that Rose was a happy camper that summer, okay?

That day wasn't any different, at least not at first. I mean, we hung out at the house with everyone before Bella had to go home and make dinner for her dad. She didn't really; Charlie was a grown man and had managed to feed himself just fine before Bella came back to town. She liked to feel useful, though. Of course, Edward went back with her.

I don't know how he did it. Not the denying Bella part, well that too, but he would actually help her with the food. Like he'd chop onions and stir sauce, or whatever humans do when they cook. I don't want to think about it. It's just gross. And the smell, ugh. When he'd come home, we'd make him take a shower right away because he stunk so bad. It got to the point where Alice just burned his clothes instead of trying to wash the stench out of them.

That night, Edward pretended to leave, and Charlie pretended that he didn't know that his daughter's boyfriend was climbing into her window at night. E-man brought me with him. He'd been spending all his time with B that week, and didn't listen to Alice when she told him that he needed to eat. I love him, but he was one stubborn son of a gun.

Therefore, (yeah I can use big words, too; what of it?) I was along for the ride that night. Not like it made a difference. There wasn't anything I could do but watch them burn. That wasn't the worst part, believe it or not. Having to go home and tell my family afterwards and seeing their faces fall like that… I'd forget it all if I could. Damn, vamp memory; my mind's like a steel trap.

Bella thought that Edward was being shy because her dad was right next door, not because he was a prude. A girl can hope, can't she? Somehow, that little minx managed to convince him that she couldn't sleep, and wanted to go for a 'walk' in the woods. Dude fell for it too, hook line, and sinker. He was such a sucker. Seriously, it was like he was born yesterday. And we all know that ain't true.

Like a puppy, E followed Bells to this patch of grass behind her house. She set it up with blankets and flowers and candles, all that romantic shit girls love, you know? I mean why not? Eddie-boy was practically a girl anyway. She even set up her iPod to play that Debussy dude they liked so well.

Eddie liked to think he was hard to read, but even I could tell that he was charmed by his girl's gesture. It was sweet, like tooth-achingly so, but that's how those two crazy kids rolled, so why not? Girl was setting a scene and she knew it. If I was a girl, I'd totally do her.

Bella sat herself down and gently pulled Ed to her. He resisted at first, (didn't he always?) but eventually he settled in next to her. I heard her heart speed up a bit. E must have too, because he did his signature eyebrow quirk to let her know he knew something was up.

As if she'd been doing it forever, my girl leaned in, closed her eyes and gave E a sweet little kiss. Eddie sighed and was about to pull away, but B wasn't having any of that. She moved closer.

It was like a game of chase; he tried to move away and Bells would inch herself nearer. Eventually, she was practically in his lap. She managed to put her tiny arms around him, and he had nowhere to put his arms except around her. For such a young thing, she had some mad skills.

Edward's internal struggle was easy to see. On one hand, he really was trying to be gentlemanly. Granted, he was following a moral code that expired long ago, but dude was trying. On the other hand, it must have felt pretty fucking awesome to have his mate finally so close.

Bella pressed herself nearer, until even I couldn't see any space between the two. Her soft, pink tongue darted out and tentatively moved against Edward's closed lips. Like a fool, he pulled his head away, and shook it from side to side.

"We can't," he whispered.

"Please, Edward, please," I heard her whimper.

"I can't. I don't want to hurt you. What if something happens?"

Dumbass.

"I don't care. I want you. Please."

"Okay, we'll try. Be careful, not near my teeth."

Bella closed her eyes in anticipation and moved towards him again. The poor guy was shaking he was so nervous. B delicately kissed him, on his forehead, his cheek, across the bridge of his nose, and, at last, right on his smacker. She gave him a few pecks, each lasting longer than the one before, and then she went for it.

Gently, she pulled his lower lip into her mouth and nibbled on it a bit. She moved her way down to his neck, nibbling and lightly sucking all the way, and when she reached the juncture at his shoulder, she swept her lips across to the other side and worked her way back up to his mouth.

Eddie kept his eyes closed the whole time, and I could see that he was barely holding it together. A strangled moan escaped from him, and I thought about stepping in. As soon as I decided, his head shook 'no' and so I didn't. Then, Bella took a swipe at his lips. My boy groaned aloud and his eyes shot open.

"It's okay. You don't have to worry," she whispered against his mouth. "I trust you. It'll be all right. Just relax."

Bella moved in for the kill. She nipped at his mouth, and tongued the entrance, coaxing him to open to her. Slowly, he relaxed and let her use him for her pleasure. Her kisses were becoming wilder, and she moved her hands to the hair at the nape of his neck. She tugged, hard.

She growled, "Give your mouth to me, Edward."

"I am."

"No, you're not."

"Bella…"

"Trust me. Trust yourself."

He held still while Bella slowly moved from one side of his face to the other peppering him with kisses. I don't know how he stayed motionless for so long. She honed in on his lips and I saw his tongue peek out from between them. She nipped that too and then sucked it into her eager mouth.

B was hovering above him, finally getting a part of Eddie inside her and groaning at the feel of him. She was pretty vocal about it. I could tell he was a bit surprised by her reaction, but I wasn't. Bella had waited patiently, er, sorta, for months for this.

Hiding behind a tree, I saw everything. I know I probably should have, but I couldn't look away. I was getting turned on just watching them. This was way hotter than anything I'd ever seen on the internet and they were just kissing.

"I was thinking there was something I wanted to try," she breathed.

"What's that, my love?" He smirked.

Quickly, she pulled her shirt over her head and reached for Edward's. My jaw and his both dropped open. He reached to stop her, but afraid of grasping too hard, he gave up and let her remove his shirt too. Things were starting to get a lot more interesting.

I heard him hiss so low that only I could hear it, "Emmett, turn away now." I knew that he would know if I didn't, so reluctantly I started counting all the stars I could see. I could still hear them though. Good thing I have a very active imagination.

Edward always thought that Alice was the only one who could shield her thoughts from him. Not true! I just let him think that. I would sing songs from the eighties to myself to make him not want to stick around in my head. Every so often, I'd let 'slip' some stupid thought I had, so he wouldn't know my secret. It was usually about Rose and me during our 'private time,' just to gross him out. Am I one sneaky mofo or what?

After I got bored of counting, I turned back around to see what was going on in the blanket arena. I got an eyeful of a pale, slender, nude back pressed into a chest of marble. Bella was completely topless now. Damn, a guy can't turn his back for one minute without missing something important.

Edward was still trying not to move while Bella was doing anything she could to get him to. She trailed her fingers up and down his arm, stroked what she could of his chest all the way down to the waist of his designer denim; she was even bold enough give his backside a little grope.

She couldn't get a rise out of him - heh, rise - until she began to rhythmically press herself against him. I don't think she consciously decided to, which made it even hotter.

I didn't know that it was possible to cock-block yourself, but Edward was always one for changing assumptions. He slowly moved his hands to her hips to still them.

"Bella, I..."

She didn't let him finish and captured his mouth with hers. Then they were both groaning. And the grinding commenced. E-man didn't stop her this time. That's my boy.

I could see him trembling. Bella must have felt it because she stopped ravaging his mouth long enough to whisper in his ear, "It's okay, baby. We can do this. Let me love you."

He relaxed then. Tenderly, she pushed him down onto the quilt she'd set out earlier. Bella stayed seated above him. His eyes widened as he saw her chest for the first time. "So beautiful. So perfect," he said in awe.

I saw him reach up to caress one of her naked orbs, but he stopped himself, just before he made contact with her skin.

"May I?" he asked. Those Victorian manners, man, they kill me every time.

"Please," she whimpered.

I heard them both gasp as his cold hand touched her warm flesh. His arm lifted up to capture her other breast. I imagined how her nipple would pucker out of surprise from the contact and the chill of his skin. If he knew what he was doing, he would gently rub her hardening nibs, and then more firmly pull on them a bit. Just thinking about it, I felt my pants begin to tighten.

"Mmmm," they both moaned. It took all my self control to not join in.

Rosie would kill me if I got off on this so I thought about baseball again. Obviously that didn't work, so I remembered how mad she was at me the last time she found out about my 'peeping tom' ways. Ahh, much better.

It's a good thing that Eddie could read people's minds, otherwise that poor sucker would have been completely at a loss for what to do. After spending a century hearing all the dirty thoughts around him, he was finally able to put that knowledge to good use. I hope Bella appreciated it while she could. It certainly sounded like she did.

"Oh, Edward. That feels so good. Don't stop."

Angry Rosie, angry Rosie, angry Rosie.

He flipped them over then. I caught a glimpse of B's chest during the shuffle, and while she couldn't compare to Rose's glorious mounds, she was still pretty spectacular. Edward's head dipped close to her skin and softly covered her in kisses, while Bella writhed beneath him.

Oh, man. I really shouldn't have been there. I made a move to leave, but E turned to me quickly and shook his head again.

"Listen to your heart fly." He pressed his ear to the center of her chest. "You feel so good, my love. Your skin is so soft and sweet. Don't move."

He nuzzled her chest and kissed one of her pert little nipples, then the other.

She tensed. I could see her fighting herself to not jump out of her skin. Then, soft sucking noises could be heard. Such a natural, makes me proud.

"Oh God, Edwaaaard," she groaned, but held herself still.

E lingered at her breasts, fondling one while his mouth was pleasuring the other. I really needed to look away, but I couldn't. It was like my eyes were glued to that blanket. If I could die, I'm sure I'd probably go to hell for that.

"Your mouth on me… I… I…"

A high keening sound came out of her.

Oh shit, did she just do what I thought she did? Damn, girl was wound up tighter than I thought.

"I love you. I love you. I love you," she panted.

"I love you." He lifted his lips off her skin just long enough to reply.

These kids were sweeter than sugar, at least the little that I remembered of it.

After she caught her breath, she sat up and pressed herself against him. He stroked her back while kissing her shoulders. She rocked her hips into his. He growled in response.

She snaked her hand down the trail on his chest, over his stomach, and slowly worked her way down to the fly of his jeans.

So deftly you could have sworn she did it before, she flipped open the top button of his pants and began softly touching the skin she found there.

"Bella, you have to stop, love."

"I want to; please let me."

You've got to be shitting me. The love of his immortal existence was begging him to let her put her hands down his pants and he was turning her down? If this went on for much longer, I might have had to disown him.

"Oh, Bella. I… you… Please stop. I'm afraid."

She removed her hand and kissed him softly on the mouth.

Girl started to tear up then. Oh honey, if you weren't half naked right then, I'd have given you a big hug.

"Shh, don't cry. I do want you. Sometimes it scares me how much, but I can't let you get hurt."

B pulled up and wiped her tears. "How much?"

"How much what?"

"How much do you want me?"

"Oh God, so much." He groaned and ran his hand through the bird's nest on his head. "Sometimes it's all I can think about. I want your lips, your hands, your skin. I want to feel you pressed up against me. I want to make you feel good. I just want, constantly."

He and I both smelt the unmistakable fragrance of desire roll off of Bella in waves. Holy crap.

"Can you show me?" she asked. "Please, Edward. I need to see you. Touch yourself for me. Imagine it's my hand instead of yours, that my warm skin is on yours."

Oh, sweet jeebus. Angry Rose, must think of a very pissed off Rosie.

As if in a trance, Edward looked into her eyes and slowly unbuttoned his pants. Hooded with desire, her eyes traveled down his body until they zeroed in on what lay - or rather, stood straight up - at the end of his happy trail.

She reached out to touch him, but stopped herself just in time so that her hand hovered over his hard shaft.

"May I?" She smirked.

"There is nothing more that I want than for you to touch my cock right now."

Annnd there go our Mormon-like sensibilities right out the window! Took him freaking long enough. I gave a silent cheer.

To be honest, I'm surprised my boy hasn't come in his pants yet. Jas and I taught him right, though. Ladies first - and second, and third - always.

She moved her hand to cover his and together they slowly reached for his dick. God, the anticipation was killing me, and I was just hiding behind a tree. When they reached the holy land, Edward groaned so loudly, I think every creature in the forest heard.

Bella kissed him hard. She whispered against his mouth, "Tell me what you want, Edward. I want to make you feel good."

"Always baby. You always make me feel good," he responded.

Aww, how cute. Tell her what you really want, asshole. You want-

"I want your mouth, all over. Please," he begged.

That's more like it.

She attacked him then. She was everywhere at once, his lips, throat, ears, neck, chest. Her tongue trailed along his skin, making him tremble, while both of their hands were wrapped around his junk. I saw his dick twitch in his hand.

Damn, I really, really shouldn't be here. I should be home with Rosie. Maybe she would put on her school girl outfit for me again...

"God, Bella, your lips are so hot. Can I see you, baby? Please, let me look at you."

"See me? I'm right - oh," she gasped in understanding. "I will if you will."

He nodded hungrily at her.

She stood and began to unzip her pants, but Edward brushed her hands away.

"Let me," he murmured.

He pulled her zipper down so slowly, tooth by mother-fucking tooth. Ed sunk to his knees and parted the fly of B's pants. After spending a long moment looking at the apex of her thighs, he moved his face closer and took in a deep breath. I could hear his low growl in his chest.

He pushed her clothing down her legs, caressing her skin as it was revealed to him. The cheeky girl was wearing a pair of dark blue lacy underpants, knowing exactly what got under Edward's skin. Good for her.

His cool tongue led the way back up to her hips, slowly trailing along the spot where the lace met her flesh. I could see the goose bumps rising on her skin in response. My girl threw her head back, exposing her long namesake-like neck, and moaned loudly.

Edward's hands hovered at the waistband of Bella's panties. He had a wild look in his eye. I thought for a second that I'd have to break up the party, and just when I was about to step in, B spoke.

"Look at me, Edward." She took his chin and tilted it up. "Do not over think this. This is what we both want. Please let us do this for each other."

He nodded and focused again on that little scrap of fabric covering his girl's precious, virgin parts. Faster than the human eye could see, he ripped those puppies off her and stuck the tatters into his back pocket.

There she was. In all of her pale, pure glory. He pressed his lips against one hip and then the other, leaving tiny, wet kisses behind in his wake. She groaned.

B grinned wickedly and pulled him up to face her. Reaching for his waistband, she tilted her head and began nibbling at his neck. Between gasping for the air he didn't need and trying to delicately pull her hands away, he stepped closer to her until they were chest to chest, her nipples brushing against his skin.

She looked him dead in the eye and said, "Your turn." He shook his head.

"You promised." She pouted. I could never resist a good pout. Apparently, Eddie-boy couldn't either.

E reached for Bella's hand and brought it back to his waist. "Undress me, then."

He didn't need to tell her twice. Before I could blink, his pants were around his ankles and Bella was finally seeing her man in his entirety.

Speechless. she held out her hand and drew the E-ster back down to the quilt with her. The two of them lay side by side, just taking one another in. Gah, it was adorable. First love and roses and pink puffy hearts, and all that nonsense.

Tentatively, Bella reached out to stroke Edward up and down his chest. He purred deep in his throat, just like a house pet, a blood-thirsty, super-fast one that could break you, if he wanted to. He let her get lower and lower with each circuit until she was less than a hair's-breadth away from his tackle-and-bait. I could see him tensing as she got closer. I wished he could just lay back and enjoy it, but alas, you and I both know that wasn't gonna happen.

Just as she was about to reach out and touch someone, if you get my drift, he held her still. "Bella," he warned. "I'm sorry, love, this is really hard for me."

She quirked an eyebrow at him and pointedly looked down. "I can see that."

Bwahahaha! That's my girl!

He smiled. "I think you've been spending too much time with my brothers."

Pressing her finger against his lips, she said, "Let's not talk about them right now. No talking at all, actually."

Bell leaned in close and softly kissed him on the lips. He kissed her back. She responded, so did he, back and forth until they were pressed up against each other, their hands all over and moaning together.

Now would be a good time for a cold shower. For me, I mean. Those two crazy kids needed to have at it. Sweet jeebus, it took 'em long enough. I mean, I know Eddie was old-fashioned and all but, it's the twenty-first century man, get with the friggin' program.

E had shifted himself over Bella, the two of them still glued at the lips, but now they were getting pretty close to being attached at the hips, too. After forty-five minutes, and seven looong months, were they finally gonna…?

Panting, Ed pulled himself away long enough to look into his girl's eyes.

"I love you."

"I love you."

"Are you sure?"

"More than anything."

He held himself above her, looking down with love, lust, and whatever other emotions start with the letter 'l'. Bella looked anxious with anticipation; she drew in a deep breath and held it until Edward noticed she was about to pass out. "Breathe, love." She did; crisis averted.

"Please, Edward. I've wanted this ever since we met. I need you so bad."

"Yes, my love, yes," he murmured.

He moved his hips closer and closer to her in infinitesimal increments. I was about to jump out from behind the tree and slap his sparkling white ass to get him moving faster and stop him from torturing poor B.

Edward was trembling; Bella was trembling. I was barely holding it together. Just as he was about to, well, you know, I saw him flinch, once, twice. Then like a fire cracker, he exploded into flames and so did she. I ran over to try to stop it but it was too late. The both of them were gone. Goddamn.

What a waste. The two of them, so young and inexperienced. If only they had given into the natural desires that the good Lord gave 'em, this wouldn't have happened. Dr. C looked into it and found out that, while rare, a seriously sexually frustrated Undead-American can explode, if they get too excitable. I guess a century of abstinence will do that to a guy.

Poor, poor Eddie. Always wanting to be a gentleman and where does it get him? A pile of ashes on the forest, and not even a little action to show for it. God, and Bella! What a gal. Only one of them like her, and now not a one. If I could cry, I'd be bawling like a little girl right now.

So you learned your lesson, right niblets? Don't do what my brother did. Get you some, as much as you need. No judging here. Only you can prevent sexually-inspired spontaneous combustion.


End file.
